Recognizing and Overcoming Ambiguous Loss and Grief: Coming to Terms with Not Starting a Family by 40 and Finding Even More Delight

What is Ambiguous Loss and Grief?

I recognize now that I was deep in the throes ambiguous loss and grief for about 18 months before I learned the term. Ambiguous Loss is a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss and refers to situations where there is an absence, either psychological or physical, where loss is felt. It is a loss where closure is difficult because the loss is outside one's control. It is not often recognized by society because you may have 'lost' something that is still present (like a family member suffering from addiction) or something that never was (but it was in the sense that it may have been a dream, goal, or expectation for you). The loss may be something that is abstract, conceptual, or across generations. For instance, the loss you are experiencing might be due to the history of slavery, to environmental degradation, to COVID and associated lockdowns. These are losses others might not recognize as legitimate to feel as loss, they are beyond your control, and they are challenging to move on from, especially when not acknowledged by others.

Grief in the face of ambiguous loss is real. But because the loss isn't clear, the grief isn't, either. When loss isn't fully recognized by you or others, the grief likely won't make sense to you and it won't make sense to others. That can be invalidating and alienating. You might just think you are depressed or low energy. You might just think that's you. It's so much harder to move through grief in that context! Overcoming ambiguous loss and grief is not possible if it is not acknowledged, especially if not acknowledged by the person experiencing it.

Why talk about it? It Helps Overcome Ambiguous Loss and Grief!

Learning the concept made a big difference in my ability to heal. After I learned of ambiguous loss and grief, I better understood myself and what I was going through. I was grieving the life I expected I would be living. As a child I always said my greatest fear was not getting married and not having children. I am now almost 41 and have yet to be with my soulmate. I do not have children. I didn't think I was allowed to grieve this, because I have not technically lost anything - no divorce, no death of a husband or child. But I did lose the vision of my life that I always held. Now, this isn't to say I will not get married or have children, but it is to recognize that I certainly thought by 40 I would have achieved those things and be in a stage of life that is quite different from where I am.

Once I learned of ambiguous loss and grief I was able to offer myself compassion and have patience for the feelings I was experiencing. So I think it's important to talk about! It is my hope that if anyone else out there is experiencing something similar, but not giving themselves the recognition they deserve for it, they somehow come across this post. You are not alone and you will overcome these feelings! And recognition helps!

The grief is real. I've been through non-ambiguous loss and grief after the shocking loss of my mother and two sisters, but that does not mean the grief over my ambiguous loss has not been great and not demanded space, kindness, love, and healing. Once I acknowledged I was grieving over what has not been, and this grief is legitimate, I was able to write a new narrative for my life. But the new narrative could only come from giving myself space and compassion.

The new narrative has been fun, empowering, pleasureful. It's deepened my understanding of self, my ability to listen to my inner-knowledge, and my determination to free myself from people-pleasing or living small (i.e. making choices that prioritize the comfort of others or the view that others may have). And, quite frankly, I am in a better place to meet my soulmate as I am fully embracing me.

A New Narrative and Listening to my Inner-Knowing

Looking back, I was not in a place to be in my soul-aligned relationship because I put the idea of the relationship above the consideration of whether the man was even a match. I cringe at some of the things I overlooked in partners and potential partners. I realize now that I have been saved and protected from a dysfunctional relationship that would have made it harder for me to meet myself and experience a life where I am true to me.

And now, as I do not have a husband or children for whom I must be responsible, I am doing things that I never did but always wanted to. At this moment, that means road-tripping around Europe. I never did this, not even when I was younger, because I was so focused on achieving goals that either 1) came to pass and still felt empty (i.e. my foreign policy career), or 2) were not meant for me on the timeline I was expecting (i.e. marriage). It's funny that at 40 I am doing this thing that I have been itching for since graduating college at 22. After grad school I considered extended travel, and again before moving to Scotland. But each time it felt irresponsible. But here we are again at a cross-roads and I've embraced it. And I am having a blast!

This experience has been a wake-up call that when your gut is telling you that you must do something, that is your inner-knowing and you might want to listen! Ignore as you try, it won't go away! And the attitude that comes from just embracing that knowing is one of surrender, one of curiosity, and one that encourages the noticing of all things delightful. (Perhaps because my attitude is like, "Why have I been called so strongly to do this? Let me look for all the things that reinforce this is what I need to be doing." which then primes me to notice the good). For instance, on a walk the other day, I saw the most incredible spider's web! It looked like threads of gold shimmering in the sunlight. Who knew you could find joy in a spider's web? And I am discovering that finding such little joys everywhere makes being alone much less lonely. I don't feel alone at all, I feel like I am waking up to the Universe.

I look back to the past with gratitude because I was protected, even if I didn't see it, and it paved the way for me to be me. For me to really get to know myself and have the experiences I am meant to have. I've realized that age really doesn't matter, and I think discovering this is the biggest bliss of all. You can be 20 and so serious about the world, miss opportunities to play and experiment; you can be 80 and be full of play and curiosity and pure radiance. Youth isn't wasted on the young. Youth is ours, no matter our age. I know I am not yet 80--or 90 or 100--but should I have the pleasure of reaching "old" age, I will bring the mentality of a wondrous 6 year old to it.

Things didn't work out as planned, I grieved, and now I am making the most out of the journey I am on by prioritizing what is true to me, what feels good to me, and what is aligned with my and the collective's highest good.

I hope others who are feeling loss of something that, technically (or tangibly) speaking, was never lost can offer themselves love and compassion. Offer that, and you will start, with time, to craft a different narrative that is the bridge to accessing a light that shines even brighter than you had imagined.